yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
