Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
