By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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