(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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