What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I could fuck to npr.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
