The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
