Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
