When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
