bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Damn victory sex feels great
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
