I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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