He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
