It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
