Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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