Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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