I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize