I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
