Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
