was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
