the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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