When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
