I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
two words: eviction party
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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