we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
