Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
