I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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