If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
