She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
