Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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