Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
