We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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