some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Sacagawea was the original milf.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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