put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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