dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
