1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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