All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
