they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
