I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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