If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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