I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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