Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
