if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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