Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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