pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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