At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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