I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i out mim tonsoeep
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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