My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
