Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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