Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
