She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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