i need an iv and a liver transplant
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
