when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
