i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
