No I am not eating basil off your cock
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
