I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize