I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
