I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
