i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
