I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
