i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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