Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize