im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
