got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
