this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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