I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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